Electricity
by GenvieveWoolf
Summary: It's not Matt's expertise--helping apathetic people like Near understand feelings. Of course, it's definitely not L's either... But who else is there to call on at Wammy's when there's a crisis? Features Elton John's Electricity lyrics.


_Spoilers: Combines circumstances from the Anime with some from L: Change the World. Doesn't affect the plot too much. xD Includes minor details from fthe manga/anime/live action movies. Not a big deal._

_Thanks to my sis who helped me write this in a series of roleplay emails. She wrote most of the dialogue and action for Matt. We worked that all out and then I realized the song Electricity fit the situation amazingly well. So I put bits of the song in the story. I think as soon as you finish reading you should listen to the song to complete the experience. OK, that was cheesy. XD_

_Disclaimers: I don't own Death Note or any of its characters, story elements, etc. Nor do I own Trix cereal. XD Nor do I own the song Electricity-I believe that's Elton John's. No slash is intended whatsoever. If you like slash, fine, but please don't leave comments about it._

_Claimer: I do own Hikaru, Kasumi, Osamu and Jun. My made-up characters. Please don't use them in your own fics.

* * *

_

_Near was feeling annoyed over everyone's assumptions that he had no feeling. He expected it from Mello, of course, because Mello sometimes seemed to be all feeling. But when Matt and Hikaru and Kasumi joined in the teasing, it made him want to be alone. Which added to their assumptions._

"Hey, Near," Mello said one day, "do you _feel_ it when you twist your hair? 'Cause it looks really stupid, and I think you'd realize that if you felt yourself doing it. But maybe you're just that out of touch..."

_I don't know why I do it,_ Near thought, putting his hands in his pockets to make sure he didn't slip into his habit just then. _But it's not like I can't control it. I mess with my hair because I want to..._

"At least he's not a cry-baby," Matt pointed out. "I mean, if he doesn't have emotions, at least he doesn't whine all the time."

Near wasn't sure if that was Matt's attempt at getting Mello and the others to drop it, or if he was joining in.

"That's true," Hikaru said, nodding. "But I remember when he first got here. I've seen him cry."

"No way," exclaimed Mello.

"Uh-huh. Jun stole his robot and put it someplace students weren't allowed to go."

"That made him cry?"

_I was eight_, Near thought_. It was the only toy I had back then_... He wandered away from the others.

"Hey, wait!" Kasumi called. "Where you going?"

"He doesn't want us to see him blush," Hikaru declared. "No one's seen color in that face in years!"

Near left the room and went back to the dormitory room he shared with Osamu. Osamu was somewhere else-probably practicing his martial arts.

_I do feel... don't I_? It was something Near had wondered about before on many occasions. He had studied emotions in his classes. He had to understand how different emotions interacted and affected people's motives. But he'd never come to any satisfactory conclusions about his own motives for doing things.

_I do what I do because I want justice._ But that didn't really work. _Why do I want justice? Do I really want anything?_ He flopped back on his bed, thinking over the highlights of his training so far. _Everything L has taught me has made me want to learn more. I don't know why... Does it even matter, as long as I know that I'm right? But what makes a thing right or wrong? How do I know the things I've never doubted?_

_I can't really explain it,_  
_I haven't got the words_  
_It's a feeling that you can't control_  
_I suppose it's like forgetting, losing who you are_  
_And at the same time something makes you whole_  
_It's like that there's a music playing in your ear_  
_And I'm listening, and I'm listening and then I disappear..._

Someone knocked on the door and it took Near a moment to realize what the sound was.

"Yes?"

The door opened a crack and Matt peeked in. "Near? May I come in?"

"Please do," Near answered, sitting up and pulling one foot onto the bed to assume his usual thinking position.

Matt entered the room and closed the door behind him.

_He's apologetic,_ Near observed, _but too self-conscious to take any risk of Mello or one of the others seeing him here._

"I wanted to say... I didn't mean to start the guys off on you," Matt said. "I guess it was a pretty lame attempt, but I was hoping they'd leave you alone. I really don't like the way they rag on you all the time."

"That's all right."

Matt stared at him, looking uncertain.

_He's wondering if it matters whether he apologizes. He's wondering if I had any feelings to hurt in the first place. I don't care that I cried years ago-it doesn't matter. But I do wonder... why haven't I cried in such a long time? What makes a person cry?_

"Matto... may I ask you something?"

"Sure." Matt took a seat on the end of Near's bed.

"Soon after I first met L, there was a girl staying with him for a little while-Maki. When I first met her she was crying because her father was killed." Near's photographic memory replayed the scene for him.

"Yeah?" Matt waited.

"When I saw her like that, I started crying, too. I don't know why. I just... couldn't help it. She seemed so unhappy and lost. I guess I felt a little lost, too. I don't know. But like I said, I started crying and I couldn't stop. I cried and cried for a long time. And even back then I wasn't one to cry much. So I was wondering... does that normally happen to people?" _To normal people?_ Near added silently.

Matt shrugged. "Depends on the person, I guess. But I think people who cry less often tend to cry longer. Like they stored it up until they couldn't hold it in, you know?"

"I suppose that could explain it. But I didn't know why I was crying in the first place... I guess I don't understand what usually makes people cry."

"There are a lot of reasons. It's usually because they're sad or angry but it can also be because they're frustrated, helpless or confused-or even because they're extremely happy or surprised."

"But if there are so many reasons, why..." _why haven't I cried since I was very young?_

The answer came to Near hard and fast. _I haven't been sad or angry or frustrated or helpless or confused or happy or surprised... I've just... been._ He clamped his mouth shut and stared at the floor, trying to make sense of it, but he ended up with more questions. _Why don't I... feel... like other people do? What's... wrong with me? Is this something I might need to talk to a counselor about?_

Matt was silent a moment. Then he asked, "Are you OK?"

Near blinked a few times, then turned his gaze on Matt and stared at him before answering. "Yes... I just... don't understand. Why don't I feel?"

"Well... you do," Matt said, looking uncomfortable. "Just not as... much, maybe. As some people."

Near shook his head. "The only thing I feel is... I feel more confused now than I have since I was very small. I guess confusion might be why I cried so much, too. And... maybe frustration because I couldn't understand something, even when it was explained to me very carefully. That... had never happened to me before."

"But no one can understand everything," Matt said. "It was bound to happen to you eventually. I think you're trying too hard. Feelings aren't something you 'understand,' really. You just... feel."

"But... that's my problem," Near said. "Everyone acts as if it's this magic thing that you won't know how to do until you do it... it just makes me..." _Angry?_ Near gasped. His eyes were filling with tears. _Oh no... I won't be able to stop..._

_It's a bit like being angry,_  
_it's a bit like being scared_  
_Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell_

Matt reached out very cautiously to place a hand on Near's shoulder, almost as though he thought touching the other boy might end the world. "All right. I can see how it'd be frustrating. Do you. . .do you think you might want to. . .see someone about it?" he asked uncertainly.

Near felt the tears begin to spill over. He was panting. _My... space... you're in my space._ He reached for his hair and then jerked his hand back to his side. "May-maybe I should," he said. Two more tears slipped out. His breathing was fast, but shaky now, too. _I'm going to hyperventilate. I need to stop breathing so hard..._ Then he realized he was shaking. _No... everything's happeneing at once._ "I'm scared, Matt," he cried in horror. "I'm scared!"

_It's like when you've been crying_  
_And you're empty and you're full_  
_I don't know what it is, it's hard to tell_

"OK, it's OK," Matt said. "Just... try to breathe steady..."

Near thought Matt looked close to panic himself. _He's scared to see me like this-because I'm never scared. I'm never anything. I don't feel and now I'm telling him I'm scared..._

Matt moved his hand to Near's forearm.

Near tried to concentrate on Matt's touch to anchor himself in reality. He felt like the sudden onslaught of emotions was trying to tear him away. He curled up in a ball and pulled Matt's hand against his chest. _Breathe... think..._

"Zero," he whispered. "One. One, zero. One, one. One, zero, zero. One, zero, one..." It was hard to utter the digits, even in a whisper, with his breathing so quick and ragged. He was losing track of Matt. "One, one, zero..." He thought he felt Matt's other hand on his back... "One, one, one... No... Please..." he put his face into a pillow and rocked from side to side. He started to pull at his hair and then pulled his hand back with a yelp as if something had hurt him, though he felt no pain.

Matt withdrew his hand from Near's back. "All right... it's OK... I just... don't know what to do," he admitted.

Near tried to remember where he had left off counting, but the picture-perfect memories of his own unstable behavior were too much. He whimpered a little and began counting again. "Zero... one. One, zero. One, one..."

"Near, do you... want me to get L?"

Sometimes students had used this suggestion as a threat-one they almost never followed through on, for fear their mentor would see them as too immature to solve their own problems. But it didn't sound like a threat this time.

_There has to be some way to slow down my breathing... get these tears to stop... there has to be a way... _Near continued to rock from side to side, counting jerkily into the pillow. "One, zero, zero. One, zero, one. One, one, zero..." He barely heard Matt speak to him, and he had forgotten about the hand he was still holding.

Matt pulled his DS from his pocket and pulled his hand out of Near's to send a quick message to Jun, whom he knew would be playing his own DS in his room a few doors down. _Need to send L a msg. Impt!_ he wrote.

Near almost lost count when Matt let go of his hand, but he forced himself to keep on. "One, one, one. One, zero, zero, zero..."

* * *

L was pouring more Trix cereal into his already syrupy and discolored milk when Jun asked to see him. He took in the look on Jun's face and the gaming system in his hand. "Yes?" he said.

Jun shrugged apologetically. "Matto says he has an important message for you," he said, holding out the DS. "Not sure what's going on, sensai..."

L took the DS and looked at the screen. Then he carefully sent his own message. _L here. What is it?_

_Sensai, this is Matt. _There was a long pause, then: _I think Near is having a breakdown._

L got up. _On my way._ "I'll return this to you soon," he told Jun on his way out to the hall. He didn't stop at the door to put on his shoes, but continued barefoot down the hall. _Does he have his robot?_ he sent to Matt.

* * *

Near didn't know how much more he could take. His head was pounding, his throat hurt and his nose was starting to run. "One, one, zero, zero, one, zero. One, one, zero, zero, one, one..."

"Um..." Matt looked around the room. He left Near for a moment to retrieve the robot from the floor. _Found it. Give 2 him?_

_Might calm him,_ came L's reply. _Hows he acting?_

_Cryng... like he doesnt no how. Said hes scared._ Matt tucked the robot into Near's grasp. His own eyes were becoming moist...

* * *

L's chest felt tighter and tighter. He'd been fine until Matt told him Near had said he was scared. That was something he'd never expected to hear. He didn't pause when he got to Near's door, but pushed it open and tucked Jun's DS away as he entered the room. He saw Matt avoiding his gaze as he put his own DS aside. Perhaps he was near tears himself.

* * *

Again, Near almost lost count, but this time because he felt his robot. "One, one, one, zero, zero, one..." It was reassuring somehow, on a subconscious level. It reminded him that some things didn't change.

Matt moved out of the way and L hopped onto the bed to crouch very close to Near. "Near," he called softly.

"One, one, one, zero, one, zero."

"Near."

"One, one, one, zero, one, one."

L pushed some of Near's curls off his ear and tried again. "Near, this is L. Can you hear me?"

"One..." Near shuddered. "One, one, one, one, zero, zero."

"Can't he... hear?" Matt asked, sounding a little frightened.

L leaned a little closer to Near.

"One, one, one, one, zero, one," L counted with Near.

_It's like that there's a music playing in your ear_  
_But the music is impossible, impossible to hear_

Near paused, then went on. "One, one, one, one, one, zero."

L counted at the same time: "One, one, one, one, zero, zero."

Near stopped rocking. He stopped breathing. _That's wrong!_ his mind screamed. _Someone's trying to mess me up..._ "One, one, one, one, one, one," he said stubbornly.

* * *

L counted over him, louder. "One, one, zero, one, zero, zero." _So help me, I will get through to him.  
_  
They had counted steadily for over a minute.

"One, zero, zero, zero, one, one, one," Near said feebly.

L drowned him out. "One, one, zero, zero, one, one."

Near shuddered and fell silent.

L counted alone. "One, one, zero, zero, one, zero," He chanted. "One, one, zero, zero, zero, one. One, one, zero, zero, zero, zero."

Near sniffed hard and L nodded toward the box of tissues on the bedside table, indicating that Matt should fetch one.

"One, zero, one, one, one, one."

Matt blinked. Then he jerked into action, taking a tissue and handing it to L.

L was tired of counting, but there was no stopping now. It had either made some progress, or it hadn't hurt anything, and he didn't know what else to say. "One, zero, one, one, zero, one," he counted as he took the tissue from Matt and pressed it gently against Near's face. "One, zero, one, one, zero, zero."

Near blew his nose, completely oblivious to how happy the action made L. L mopped at his face a little before passing the folded tissue back to Matt, who tossed it mechanically into the trash can a few feet away.

"One, zero, one, zero, one, one. One, zero, one, zero, one..."

"Zero," Near whispered.

L faltered for just a moment. "One, zero, one, zero..."

"...zero, one" Near quietly counted along with L. "One, zero, one, zero, zero, zero."

_And then I feel a change_  
_Like a fire deep inside_  
_Something bursting me wide open impossible to hide..._

The end is in sight, L thought a little later as he continued counting. I just hope it's a good ending... "One, one, one."

Near was still counting with him. "One, one, zero. One, zero, one. One, zero, zero."

_And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird_  
_Like electricity, electricity_  
_Sparks inside of me..._

_Please, God. Bring him back to earth._ "One, one. One, zero." L passed a lollipop to Matt. "One."

"Zero." Near fell silent again when he and L completed the countdown. He sighed out several long, deep breaths through his mouth. Then he ran his fingers over his robot.

"Good boy," L said softly. He rested a hand on Near's arm and rubbed it very lightly. "It's all right. Good boy."

Near pulled the robot against his chest and sighed again.

L took his eyes off Near for only the second time since he'd entered the room. "Are you all right?" he asked Matt.

Matt nodded, eyeing the lollipop. "I think so."

L looked back at Near, who had closed his eyes and was moving his robot's arm up and down. "He may sleep for a while now... that's perfectly normal." He crab-walked to the end of the bed and climbed off it. "Come here; I want to ask you a few things."

L led Matt to the doorway, where he felt they would be safe from Near overhearing. "Can you tell me what led up to this?" he asked, his tired face projecting concern. "I've wondered if something like this would happen, but I must admit... I didn't quite expect _this_."

"I... I don't know, sensai. We were talking about crying, I remember... and then just feelings, I guess. I don't know..." Matt's eyes were beginning to look moist now.

L listened carefully, trying to make sense out of Matt's disjointed words. He seemed to watch like a spectator outside the situation as his left hand moved up toward Matt's shoulder. He wanted to call out to that stooping, black-haired guy in the white shirt, "Be careful..."

Matt looked away. "I can explain more... later. I just..."

"It's all right. We'll discuss it another time."

"L-sensai? Matt-kun?" Near's voice came faintly from the bed.

L patted Matt's shoulder and went back to the bedside. "Yes, Near-kun."

"I'm sorry," Near said, staring at his robot. "I didn't mean to cause you so much worry and trouble."

"It's all right," L answered.

Matt scrubbed at his eyes and went to sit quietly at the end of the bed.

"It's a hard thing for someone like you or me to admit there is anything we don't understand," L told Near quietly. "But the truth is, there _need _to be things we don't understand."

Near stared back at L through wide, sore eyes. "Why?"

"Because human beings need each other." L rested his hand on Near's arm again. "Remember what I told you, when you first arrived at Wammy House?"

Near turned his memories back to that day-the day L had presented him with his robot. "No matter how gifted," he recited quietly, "you alone cannot change the world. But that's the wonderful thing about this world..."

L nodded, smiling. "You're never alone."

Near looked his robot over again. "Everyone feels these things, don't they," he said quietly. "They're angry and frustrated and sad and scared..."

"Happy, too," L reminded him. "You used to be cheerful a lot more when you were little. Do you remember?"

Sometimes Near got annoyed when people asked him if he remembered things, since he remembered almost everything. But now it didn't seem like a silly question. He nodded. "I remember... remember the time you stood up straight...?"

L smiled. "Yes... that felt wrong to me. It had been a long time since I'd stood that straight. But it made you smile."

"Matto-kun makes me smile sometimes," Near reflected. "He's different from the others, I think. When he makes fun of me, I think he doesn't mean it. Like he's actually teasing."

Matt looked away quickly.

"You see, it isn't that you don't feel, Near," L said. "I think... you've just had trouble understanding your feelings. I have that trouble too, sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something we should try to overcome. I want to help you, if I can. Will you help me?"

Near reached out cautiously and took L's hand. "Yes, Sensai."

L shook Near's hand. "Thank you. And I think Matto can help you, too."

"Yes... I think he can." Near turned his head to look at Matt again. "I'm sorry I caused so much trouble..."

"It's ok," Matt said, nodding encouragingly.

Near yawned and L pulled the covers up to his chin.

"Go ahead and sleep," L said. "I know it's early, but crying makes your body tired and you need to build your strength again."

"All right." Near closed his eyes.

* * *

L stood and led Matt out into the hall. "Thank you, Matto-kun," he said softly. "You are a good friend."

_Friend?_ Matt thought. _Whose? Am I a good friend to L for letting him know his favorite student was having a melt-down? Or a good friend to Near for getting someone to help him...? I don't think I'm either. If I were L's friend I'd study harder and game less. If I were Near's friend I'd tell Mello to leave him alone._

"He'll be all right, won't he, sensai?"

"Yes. Especially if we continue to help him. Please try to do that for me when I can't be here."

"Yes, sensai," Matt replied automatically, wondering afterward if he had meant it.

* * *

"Thank you," L told Jun as he returned the boy's DS to him. "I'm sorry I rushed off so suddenly. Near-kun was very upset and Matto didn't know how to help him-that's why he asked you to give me the message."

"Near? Very upset? How does that happen?" Jun asked. "Uh... I mean... he's ok, though, right?"

"I think so. But I would appreciate it if you tried to be understanding... he may be sensitive for a while."

"Sensitive... for Near? Or by anyone's standards?"

L didn't answer. He walked back toward his quarters, thinking about Near's difficulties, Matt's reluctant responses, and the irony that Matt had chosen to call _him_ to help with an emotional breakdown. _Half the students think I don't have feelings either...

* * *

_

When he woke early the next morning, Near tried not to probe his memories too deeply, but snatches kept coming up unbidden, like popups on a cheap website.

_"It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's something we should try to overcome..."_

"Matto-kun makes me smile..."

"Everyone feels these things, don't they."

"I didn't mean to cause you so much worry..."

_But then I feel it move me_  
_Like a burning deep inside_  
_Something bursting me wide open impossible to hide_  
_And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird_  
_Like electricity, electricity_  
_Sparks inside of me_  
_And I'm free, I'm free..._

_Maybe it is all right to change_, he thought_. I'm still a little afraid, I guess. But... maybe that's a good sign.

* * *

_

After his first class, Near caught up to Matt in the hall. "I'm sorry about yesterday," he said calmly. "I guess I upset you a lot."

"I just... never saw you cry before," Matt said, shrugging. "I guess I got the idea you couldn't get upset."

"I wish that were true," Near said, sounding wistful. Then he frowned. "No... No, I'm glad it's not true. L said this is something to overcome. And I want to." He glanced at Matt, who was unnerved to see that he looked somewhat shy. "You... don't have to help me if you don't want to. I understand."

"Oh... geez... I don't care," Matt said. He winced_. That sounded kind of cold. But if I get too chummy with him, Mello will stop speaking to me_. "Look, I don't mind, and I-I'd like to help," he said. "I just don't think I'd really be good at it. And what could I do for you that L couldn't, right? You'll be ok." He looked around, expecting to see Mello around each corner they came to. "I mean... if he's not here and you really need to talk, I'll listen."

Near nodded. "That's kind of you. Enjoy your chemistry class."

Matt groaned. "Like a hole in the head. You have fun in physics." He hurried away.

_Electricity, sparks inside of me_  
_And I'm free, I'm free_  
_I'm free.

* * *

_

_Some months later..._

"I will probably have to meet with the task force in person," L told Watari.

"You're going to show yourself to them?" Watari asked in astonishment.

L licked chocolate off his thumb. "Yes... yes, I think it will become necessary. Within the next few days, I believe."

"You were planning to visit Wammy House."

"I know." L thought of his students, the unmade decision of his successor, and especially the agreement he had made with Near-that they would help each other let go of their inhibitions. "It is very regrettable. But we cannot leave now. Catching Kira must be our highest priority."

"Very well," Watari said. "I understand. Perhaps when this case is over, we can spend a good deal of time there."

Watching his computer screen as he bit a piece off his chocolate bar, L murmured, "Perhaps_." I hope you may, at least, my friend. If Kira is as dangerous as I think he is... you may have to help Near for me.

* * *

_

_If you enjoyed my story, please leave a review. I know this one was a little long for a one-shot, but to be honest, I wasn't sure how to end it. XD_


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